Ting, ting, ting. I stand and gain the attention of a crowd of two hundred. Slightly startled, they cease their chatter and turn around in their chairs to face me. I pull at the collar of my penguin suit. Like a noose, it has tightened yet another inch around my throat in a last ditch effort to suffocate me, while at the same time saving me from my own slow and painful death. Four hundred fixated eyeballs are now upon me as I struggle, gasping for some fresh air to fill my lungs and a cool breeze to find its way down the back of my neck. "Could everyone please raise their glasses? I would like to propose the first official toast to the happy couple." I say it calmly and with confidence. You would think I’ve done this a thousand times. It feels natural, almost effortless. And then it hits me, the reality of it all. My sister is getting married! And this is her day. And this is the single moment that I must not fuck up for her. In a room filled with hundreds, I stand alone. The pressure is mounting. I begin wringing the beads of perspiration collecting in my palms. I fear my voice cracking like Peter Brady. So I take a deep breath, collect my thoughts and attempt to deliver a speech from memory, only to discover my mind goes completely blank! Never fear, my trusty notecard is here! Like a superhero saving the day, and myself from complete humiliation, I reach deep into the front pocket of my pants and pull out a small folded up piece of paper. Just unfolding it feels like it’s taking an eternity! Everyone is staring at me as I clumsily fumble about. Seconds ticking by feel more like hours dragging on. Finally my fingers cooperate and I get the paper opened. I turn it over. And I turn it back over again. What is this? This can’t be happening! I’m left speechless, literally. BOTH SIDES OF THE PAPER ARE BLANK!
I then wake up.
Whew. That was only a dream, a nightmare...and a realistic one at that! Perhaps it wasn’t as much of a nightmare as it was a glimpse into my immediate future. A future I’m ill prepared for. That’s no one’s fault but my own. I’ve drug my feet on this, thinking this day wouldn’t ever really come. But it has and it’s arriving in just a few short weeks! And here I am, still dragging my feet. Not out of laziness, but out of writer’s block. A very, VERY serious case of writer’s block! Or emotional block? I don’t know what my problem is, but I can’t gather my thoughts for this. I can’t put my emotions into words. I simply can’t verbalize it all. Maybe it’s just too much for me to handle, or maybe I just don’t want to accept the fact that my sister is no longer mine to protect. She doesn’t need her little brother anymore, at least not to save the day. She will have a husband soon and that means I need to hang up my cape. It’s kind of like letting go, but in a Marvel Comic Book kind of way.
Life is forever changing. We grow up together, grow close, and over time grow apart. I think that happens to almost all siblings, including my sister and I. When she moved to California a few years ago, the distance has definitely led to a more distant relationship. The connection just isn’t there like it used to be, which may help explain why I’m struggling so much in composing this speech! I’ve done what I could to keep a strong bond with her through visits, phone calls, e-mail, etc. And I feel she too has made an effort, but still, things change. People change. That’s just part of life, which I must accept. While this wedding will bring the entire family together again physically, at least for one day in the same state, I have a feeling it will only further divide my relationship with her. Because now we have "him" in the picture. "Him" is not a bad guy, he’s just there all the time. I already miss the days where it was just the two of us - hitting up the bars in LA, eating plates full of sushi, chasing it with bottle after bottle of red wine and then having her pull over on the 405 so I could puke it all out the door. Not classy times, but fun times!
It’s obvious, I’m stressing about the toast I have to give as the best man and the bride’s little brother. I'm not prepared and I'm already nervous. I don't know what I'll say. I don’t know how I’ll start. I don’t know how I’ll end. And I don’t know what I’ll fill the lines with in-between. Instead of dispensing rosy advice in round pear shaped tones, I’m scared I’ll spew unmeaningful, unmemorable, unforgivable, complete garbage. I feel uncreative. I feel unpoetic. I just feel dumb. I want to give a killer speech! One for the ages! Not all jokey, but not all sentimental either. I don't want her to cry, but I want it to be touching, but not cheesy. Funny, but not like I'm trying too hard. Ok, I'm overthinking it. But I think my family is waiting for me to drop the ball on this one and I want to prove them all wrong. I have no problem saying how I feel to a girl, but when it comes to my family, especially my sisters, it's a whole different ballgame! I love my sister, but I’ve never told her that. It’s like I’m paralyzed in verbalizing it. I Lll...see, can't do it. I’ve never even written it in a birthday card and mailed it.
The worst part, nobody can really help me write this speech because they don't know our relationship. So I'm pretty much on my own here. Although I am open to tips if you have them! I’m thinking I should keep it short and sweet. Speak from the heart, but don’t pour my heart out. I could probably handle that. If not, I hear the bridal table is large enough for me to crawl under and hide for the remaining of the evening.
